Your Moon

You tell me that I’m your moon and every night you’re swallowed by the tide that I use to pull you in,

And in those moments nothing else matters when you’re next to me, your skin on my skin.

Your eyes tell me things that there are no words for,

My eyes tell you that you’re all I want and more.

When your body shivers as we lie between these sheets, I will draw you closer me,

I will warm your body and pull you down into my sea.

Kiss me like I am your only lifeline or kiss me sweet and tender,

Hold me like you own me, for you I surrender.

Ignite your magic deep within my bones.

Hold me tight like you’ll never let me go,

Kick off these covers or just take it slow.

I just want to feel your magic deep within my soul.

In these moments nothing else matters when you’re next to me; your skin on my skin.

Your eyes tell me things that there are no words for,

My eyes tell you that you’re all I want and more.

I love that you’ve made me your moon that gets to shine every night down upon you.

Can I pull you in just as the tide would, every single night until the dawn breaks through?

And, forgive me if it’s too much to ask, but can you make me your burning sun, too?

Will you let me shine down on you for the whole world to see that it is me and only me that warms you?

Everything you are is all that I desire,

Every time we touch you set my world on fire.

When you hold me like you own me, for you I surrender.

You ignite your magic deep within my bones.

When you hold me tight like you’ll never let me go,

And you kick off these covers or just take it slow,

I feel your magic deep within my soul.

Always With You

Unless you know her, you could never understand.

Living with her is like constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It’s like drowning in a tank full of oxygen, there is air all around but your lungs won’t allow you to inhale.

It’s like your heart is racing at the speed of light.

It’s such a strange sensation—feeling your heart pound against your chest but still it feels lifeless inside.

It’s like trying to outrun the sun, the moon and all the stars in the skies, with cement shoes on your feet.

No matter where you are, it’s always there.

There are times you get lucky and she lets you breathe easy for a moment, but more often than not she fills your head with irrationalities and paralyzes your soul.

I should be able to escape this.

I should be stronger than this.

I want to scream; I want to cry.

I feel nothing and everything all at once.

I am sad, but I am numb.

I am scared, but I am numb.

I am anxious, am I still numb?

I feel like death may come for my soul if I cannot escape her.

And just when I think I have overcome her, she signs her next twisted love letter…

“Always with you. See you soon! -Anxiety/PTSD/Chronic Depression.”

K. Lindsay

08/07/2018

Five

It’s a constant, never ending battle; a brutal war between remembering and forgetting.

It comes in waves; same days I’m floating on the surface embracing the calm–other days I’m too weak to keep my head above the tide.

Tonight I am drowning in the waves of my own silent hell.

Tonight I am dancing at rock bottom with my demons, cradled in their relentless grip.

There’s one. There’s two. There’s three. There’s four. No–there’s five.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

Flashbacks.

Nightmares.

Physical pain.

Mental anguish.

Emotional distress.

Relentless burden.

Victim and survivor.

Tonight I am drowning, I can’t find the strength to fight for air.

Tonight I am spiraling down, down, down.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

#metoo

I feel like I’m lying; not because you’re not still my best friend, but because I am no longer yours.

The only thing you can count on in this world is that nothing ever stays the same. And when I say nothing, I truly mean nothing! Even the things you think are the most solid things in your life change and go away. Even the happiest Fairy Tales can turn into the worst heartbreaks of your life. It will cut your soul to the core, it will rip your heart out, it will leave you questioning everything and everyone.

This is an open letter to one of the people that I trusted my life with, gave nearly 20 years of my lifetime to, loved unconditionally, and would still do all of the above for. This is only a tiny bit of the story of us that turned one into of the worst heartbreaks of my life. It would take 1,000+ pages to give you the entire back story and present day story. She knows it all—so no need to go into that amount of detail for everything.

At age 11, I met my best friend. At first, we hated and completely despised each other. Eventually, we discovered that we liked all of the same things and the rest is history. We were inspirable within days and remained that way for decades to come. We saved each other from ourselves. We were each other’s safe haven when home life was terrible. From 6th grade all throughout Jr. High school and High School—and for many years after—that never wavered. We were determined to run the world , side by side and nothing in this world would ever break us apart. I never could have imagined that anything ever could’ve changed that…

I remember how hard I cried nearly 11 years ago when I watched her walk down the isle to marry her high school sweetheart. It was like I was not only giving my very best friend away, but I felt like I was giving away my own daughter. I knew things would change in that moment; but I knew that he was her dream come true and in turn that made him my dream come true for her. Little did we both know that just two short years later that she’d be there by my side as I welcomed my one and only miracle child into this world; I remember the tears she had in her eyes when she held my son. I knew she was just as happy for me that day as I was on the day she got married. There we were—best friends for more than half of our lives—watching each other’s dreams come true. Who knew ten years later we would become strangers living lives that don’t include the other? If someone told me ten years ago that this is the place that we would be, I would have laughed in their face. We were stronger than any two people on this planet. Our love and loyalty ran so deep, not even God himself could shake that.

But, these days when I talk about her in conversation with people I know or even people I don’t know, and I still call her my best friend; but then I have to catch my breath. It is literally sucked from my lungs and it takes a few seconds to register in my brain that everything has changed. In a sense I feel like I’m lying; not because she’s not still my best friend, but because I know I am no longer hers—and then I wonder if I ever even was?

Best friend, I don’t know what changed exactly, I don’t know what drove this wedge between us, I don’t know how this happens to two people that planned and centered their entire lives around being best friends. I could ask a thousand questions, but I think it’s better that I just save my breath because I know that I’ll never get answers to the millions of questions I ask myself every night. I’ve tried, relentlessly and to no avail. I could beg for you to come back into my life—like so many times before—but I don’t have enough tears and strength to continue down that road once again. I think it’s probably clear, as it has been for the past three years that no amount of hope or tears, will ever bring you back to me. I hope you understand how much that kills me.

With this said, best friend; just know that I will never give up on you, I will never stop hoping that you will come back into my life and that things could go back to where they once were—But I just don’t think that will ever happen… but I refuse to give up on you and what used to be. You are still, have always been, and always will be the other half of my soul. If you take nothing else from this, please take that part with you and carry it forever.

Thank you for the many priceless memories that you have been apart in my life—they are irreplaceable and I look back on them often. Thank you for helping to shape the person that I am today. Thank you for once being the kind of best friend that most people only dream of. I love you. I cherish the memories that we’ve made. I wish you nothing but happiness, success, love, and peace. Though there will always be a void in my life without you, I hope you never feel the pain and void losing you has caused me as you move on though this life without me in it—because it is heart wrenchingly unbearable.

Forever love and light,

Kattie

 For you:

“Answer”

Sarah McLachlan 

I will be the answer

At the end of the line

I will be there for you

While you take the time

In the burning of uncertainty

I will be your solid ground

I will hold the balance

If you can’t look down

 

If it takes my whole life

I won’t break, I won’t bend

It will all be worth it

Worth it in the end

Cause I can only tell you what I know

That I need you in my life

When the stars have all gone out

You’ll still be burning so bright

 

Cast me gently

Into morning

For the night has been unkind

Take me to a

Place so holy

That I can wash this from my mind

The memory of choosing not to fight

 

If it takes my whole life

I won’t break, I won’t bend

It will all be worth it

Worth it in the end

‘Cause I can only tell you what I know

That I need you in my life

When the stars have all burned out

You’ll still be burning so bright

 

Cast me gently

Into morning

For the night has been unkind