Him

Where should I begin? I feel like my words my are going to fail me, but let me tell you a little something about him. 

I am more free with him than I have ever been or even ever thought I could be with another soul in all my life. It’s incredible and somehow it just continues to get better and better. It’s mind blowing to constantly connect with another soul on such a deep level, whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally and it’s beyond my tiny human brain’s comprehension. But my god, his love is extraordinary! 

Let me break it to you though–we’re not “perfect” by any means! Nothing in life is ever perfect, and we are both the first to admit that we’re sometimes far from it. We have our highs and lows, but those lows are just drops in the massive oceans of highs. We have our disagreements, arguments and misunderstandings that usually seem bigger than they actually are in the moment; we are human after all. We’re both stubborn and passionate and we can kind of act like assholes to each other at times–warranted or unwarranted, that’s always up for debate. 

But with all that said, I truly believe that our purpose at the very end of whatever this life is, is to walk through this life together–hand in hand, side by side. I can assure you that I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life. He makes me strive to be a better person everyday. He makes me believe that good men still exist. He makes me believe that real men stick it out and stay even when things get tough; even when so many others have shown me otherwise. He protects me as if his life depends on it. He makes me genuinely believe that I do deserve the love he gives me; constantly, unwaveringly, and unconditionally. 

He has changed me. He’s unhinged me. He’s completely dismantled me like no one else has ever been able to do. Of course, that comes with the exception of becoming a mother which is the most important and greatest accomplishment in my life. 

To just put it simply, I am a better me because he loves me and accepts every single part of me and who I am. But it doesn’t end there… I am humbled by his grace and the love and acceptance he has for my child. He is a fierce protector and a steadfast loving male role model for my child. His heart is kind and pure. His love is solid and ever endearing. In this moment I don’t think I could love him any more; but then again, I thought that exact thing just the moment before. 

I feel like I’m lying; not because you’re not still my best friend, but because I am no longer yours.

The only thing you can count on in this world is that nothing ever stays the same. And when I say nothing, I truly mean nothing! Even the things you think are the most solid things in your life change and go away. Even the happiest Fairy Tales can turn into the worst heartbreaks of your life. It will cut your soul to the core, it will rip your heart out, it will leave you questioning everything and everyone.

This is an open letter to one of the people that I trusted my life with, gave nearly 20 years of my lifetime to, loved unconditionally, and would still do all of the above for. This is only a tiny bit of the story of us that turned one into of the worst heartbreaks of my life. It would take 1,000+ pages to give you the entire back story and present day story. She knows it all—so no need to go into that amount of detail for everything.

At age 11, I met my best friend. At first, we hated and completely despised each other. Eventually, we discovered that we liked all of the same things and the rest is history. We were inspirable within days and remained that way for decades to come. We saved each other from ourselves. We were each other’s safe haven when home life was terrible. From 6th grade all throughout Jr. High school and High School—and for many years after—that never wavered. We were determined to run the world , side by side and nothing in this world would ever break us apart. I never could have imagined that anything ever could’ve changed that…

I remember how hard I cried nearly 11 years ago when I watched her walk down the isle to marry her high school sweetheart. It was like I was not only giving my very best friend away, but I felt like I was giving away my own daughter. I knew things would change in that moment; but I knew that he was her dream come true and in turn that made him my dream come true for her. Little did we both know that just two short years later that she’d be there by my side as I welcomed my one and only miracle child into this world; I remember the tears she had in her eyes when she held my son. I knew she was just as happy for me that day as I was on the day she got married. There we were—best friends for more than half of our lives—watching each other’s dreams come true. Who knew ten years later we would become strangers living lives that don’t include the other? If someone told me ten years ago that this is the place that we would be, I would have laughed in their face. We were stronger than any two people on this planet. Our love and loyalty ran so deep, not even God himself could shake that.

But, these days when I talk about her in conversation with people I know or even people I don’t know, and I still call her my best friend; but then I have to catch my breath. It is literally sucked from my lungs and it takes a few seconds to register in my brain that everything has changed. In a sense I feel like I’m lying; not because she’s not still my best friend, but because I know I am no longer hers—and then I wonder if I ever even was?

Best friend, I don’t know what changed exactly, I don’t know what drove this wedge between us, I don’t know how this happens to two people that planned and centered their entire lives around being best friends. I could ask a thousand questions, but I think it’s better that I just save my breath because I know that I’ll never get answers to the millions of questions I ask myself every night. I’ve tried, relentlessly and to no avail. I could beg for you to come back into my life—like so many times before—but I don’t have enough tears and strength to continue down that road once again. I think it’s probably clear, as it has been for the past three years that no amount of hope or tears, will ever bring you back to me. I hope you understand how much that kills me.

With this said, best friend; just know that I will never give up on you, I will never stop hoping that you will come back into my life and that things could go back to where they once were—But I just don’t think that will ever happen… but I refuse to give up on you and what used to be. You are still, have always been, and always will be the other half of my soul. If you take nothing else from this, please take that part with you and carry it forever.

Thank you for the many priceless memories that you have been apart in my life—they are irreplaceable and I look back on them often. Thank you for helping to shape the person that I am today. Thank you for once being the kind of best friend that most people only dream of. I love you. I cherish the memories that we’ve made. I wish you nothing but happiness, success, love, and peace. Though there will always be a void in my life without you, I hope you never feel the pain and void losing you has caused me as you move on though this life without me in it—because it is heart wrenchingly unbearable.

Forever love and light,

Kattie

 For you:

“Answer”

Sarah McLachlan 

I will be the answer

At the end of the line

I will be there for you

While you take the time

In the burning of uncertainty

I will be your solid ground

I will hold the balance

If you can’t look down

 

If it takes my whole life

I won’t break, I won’t bend

It will all be worth it

Worth it in the end

Cause I can only tell you what I know

That I need you in my life

When the stars have all gone out

You’ll still be burning so bright

 

Cast me gently

Into morning

For the night has been unkind

Take me to a

Place so holy

That I can wash this from my mind

The memory of choosing not to fight

 

If it takes my whole life

I won’t break, I won’t bend

It will all be worth it

Worth it in the end

‘Cause I can only tell you what I know

That I need you in my life

When the stars have all burned out

You’ll still be burning so bright

 

Cast me gently

Into morning

For the night has been unkind